head for the hills

write anything

This is the advice I've given others when they know they need to write but just don't know where to start...write anything, it'll sort itself out once you get started, and you can always scrap it if you're not happy. But chances are it'll be fine. So I'm just going to write anything tonight.

I did at one point write a list of things I had intended to write about. There was dress-up week at preschool. Not just one day, but a full week. This is so every kid, not just those who attend on a particular day, has a chance to dress up. For us, that meant three outfits. So, on the first day we had:

Farmer Jude and Fairy Edie. We thought we were getting pretty good at this. Next challenge - a bee costume. The following afternoon we optimistically set off to the shops to gather bee-making supplies. First off we found a bee hat. An excellent item, but missing the pom pom from one of its feelers. So the next stop saw us finding just the right replacement pom poms. Naturally, we couldn't find anything else bee-related. Plenty of cowboys, princesses, fairies, sherrifs, witches and wizards, but no bees. A lovely lady beetle costume came close, but not close enough. So we improvised. Fairy wings, black and yellow feather boas, footless tights, fingerless gloves, a black skivvy (yellow stripes sewn on at midnight as we cursed ourselves for leaving it so late). It all came together = one happy little girl.

Apparently a couple of boys called Mika and Lior laughed at her but she says she just scowled at them and walked away. I'm pleased they didn't dent her confidence.

Then there was my work farewell. That was interesting. I had to do a performance management session 30 minutes before I headed into the afternoon drinks event. Nuts. But enough about that. I prefer to concentrate on the speech, wherein I was referred to as the organisation's "Kate Richie". I was horrified. Naturally. Good thing that's all over. I'm nothing like Kate Richie. But it was fun to stay out late and enjoy sangria and tapas with Ams and Camie. That part really rocked. The performance management and the shitty speech are better left behind.

But the flowers from Ron were beautiful.

I've also been to Melbourne, to celebrate Sam's 40th birthday, and to see Erica and Ross, and Fran and Andrew (and their lovely big old new house, and their gorgeous girls). I almost didn't make it. In an act of dazzling stupidity (which I put down to very stressful circumstances), I booked my flights the wrong way around. My outward bound flight was booked as Melbourne to Sydney and not Sydney to Melbourne, and vice versa. For some crazy reason, I hadn't even looked at it once I booked it, and it was very lucky that Sam picked it up in the nick of time. It still cost me - money, tears and stress - but I made it.

Reminds me of another stressful trip to Melbourne. This one was about ten years ago for work. Was going for a big meeting. Restructures and so on. I was the staff rep on the Board and was absolutely crapping myself about it. Arrived in Melbourne, jumped in a cab, travelled the hour to Fran's house, got to the end of her street, and had a moment of blinding clarity...did you see me put my suitcase in the boot? I asked the driver...No, you didn't have any luggage, love...he replied. Needless to say, we u-turned and two hours later I finally arrived - with luggage - to a very worried Fran. Of course, it was in the days before we all had mobile phones. But I made up for all the worry I'd caused by giving her a story she has been dining out on for years. She was delighted to hear about my booking cock-up as it gives her a perfect second chapter.

As an indication of how my holidays have changed, I will admit that I packed my slippers. I will further admit that I wore them every night. In fact, I really had to debate with myself about whether I should pack my dressing gown. And I'll even go so far as to say we didn't go out once it got dark - not at all. And I had a great time. It was fast and fleeting, but extremely enjoyable to get away and be somewhere different for a short while. We went out for breakfast and lunch, walked aimlessly around the shops, drank coffee, went to the gym, hung out at home, drank wine, talked and forgot what we were talking about. Bim very kindly looked after the kids so I could have this break, and they had an excellent time. He managed two birthday parties in one day - very impressive.

I like to try and keep my universe balanced, and in order to redress the bad move I'd made with my flight bookings, I decided to attempt a 'dry July'. No alcohol for all of July. I started very strongly. I was doing really well. Then on July 12th, I reached my goal weight after 4 years of hard work (and of course there was a pregnancy and second child thrown in there too). So I decided I would allow myself a really nice bottle of wine. I bought the wine, still thinking I might not drink it, but that evening my lovely, irreplaceable and irrepressible Grandma Claire passed away. So I drank it, not really celebrating, but taking comfort and processing.

That was a really big thing, and precipitated a rush back to South Australia for six days. An exhausting but strangely enjoyable/sad/happy/fulfilling/unique/emotional trip all at once.

There is a lot more to write, especially about Grandma and the trip. But that's enough for now. I've written anything, and it was fine.

a meme from maddy

I've been away from my computer a lot lately, so I apologise to Maddy for taking so long to resond to the meme she tagged me with almost a month ago. I came across it again last night, and I keep getting stumped on the first question:

What was I doing ten years ago?

Well, it was 1998. I *think* I was living in Glebe and then moved to Lewisham. We actually found a really lovely little house on one of those perfect, quiet streets along the edge of Petersham Park. We had our application accepted, paid the deposit and were celebrating the end of the house hunt when the real estate agent rang to tell us that someone approached the owner directly and offered them more money. So we were gazumped...on a rental! By this stage we had very little time to find somewhere else, and when a house came up nearby, with nice features and the same rent, we jumped straight in and regretted it later. Oh, how we regretted it. We found ourselves living on a traffic island, right in the middle of three busy roads, with a freight train line that cranked up in the middle of the night. It was truly horrible. But it was good, because it was so bad that it made us hate the city enough to move to the mountains. A much better place for us.

I was working full-time, at the Australia Council, managing projects, publishing books; working, working, working; and probably still enjoying it.

Apart from that, I can't remember much at all. Bim and I had been together for 8 years. I think Dave was in love and planning a wedding. Really, though, I think I just spent a lot of time at work and a lot of time hating the sound of traffic.

What I need are Mum's diaries to tell me what I was doing. I am making a better effort to write in my own diary. It's amazing how much we forget. 

Five things on my to-do list...

1. Make kitchen curtains.

2. Sort CDs so I remember what's there.

3. Clean the bathroom.

4. Get a haircut.

5. Clean and organise my office and new working life (that's really like putting 100 things on a list).

Five snacks I enjoy...

Well, there are two lists that could apply here. I'll start with a list of things I enjoy and welcome into my diet with open arms (and mouth):

1. Yoghurt.

2. Apples.

3. Bananas.

4. Almonds.

5. Pears.

And now a list of things I'd eat as snacks every day if I knew there would be no repercussions on my thighs and guilt levels:

1. Cheese.

2. Organic rye bread from the Bakehouse on Wentworth, with butter and vegemite.

3. Chocolate.

4. Cheese.

5. Chocolate.

What I would do if I were a millionaire...

Give up all pretence of working for money.

Take the family on a holiday, although I think I'd probably still go somewhere family-friendly rather than exotic. Oh how I used to scoff at Gold Coast holiday-makers - now I wish I was one of them.

I'd do all the obvious things, like pay for the kids' education; buy beautiful quality furniture; pay someone to make the curtains; renovate and extend the house - oh, and pay for the house. I'd probably buy a new car; I'd like a hybrid if they're really all they're cracked up to be. Bim would love a car of his own. And to stop working, especially since he sometimes has to catch a taxi home.

I'd visit friends and family much more often, and I'd take them with me on little trips away. I'd pay off any of their worrying debts or bills and would give them unconditional play money.

I'd have a massage every week. Maybe even a blow-dry. Definitely a big, flat-screen television. I'd sit in the sun and read books, cook beautiful food because I'd have the time; I'd take the kids into the city and not worry about how much everything costs.

And I'd hire someone to finish off all the little bits and pieces around the house so Bim doesn't have to worry about doing them. And then I'd get them to do other things, like wire the house with speakers so I can control music levels in each room; and have environmentally friendly central heating and solar and a rainwater tank, and no cords showing...actually, I don't think this part of the exercise is all that good for me - my wish list is growing longer as I think about it. Heck, I'd probably even keep on revisiting the question of whether to have another baby if I were a millionaire. There's a danger I could end up like that woman in Russia, who had a baby (thanks to the wonders of reproductive technology) at the age of 67. No, there are deadlines on *some* decisions.   

Places I've lived...

I was born in Whyalla, South Australia. Then moved to Rostrevor, in Adelaide. Then still as a little kid, to Berri, in the Riverland in South Australia; then Barmera, a neighbouring town where I lived until I moved to Adelaide at 17 to go to university. There I lived in North Adelaide, until I moved to Newbury, Berkshire, in England's south. From there I lived in London (Putney and Streatham Hill). Back to Adelaide (Stepney and Marden), then to Sydney in 1995; first Rozelle, then Glebe, then Lewisham. From there to the mountains, where I still live. Hooray!

I know I'm supposed to pass this meme on. So I'm tagging everyone who wants to explore these questions for themselves.

But for me, it's time for bed.

the po incident

Jude has started going to preschool on his own once a fortnight. This way we have some extra time with Edie on her own, before she starts school next year, and Jude gets used to not having his sister around at preschool. He's done it once so far, and it all seemed to go pretty well. Until...

Actually, let's track back...

Jude, as you well know, *loves* the Teletubbies. His favourite is Po. The red one. He adores his Tubbies, watches the DVDs, reads the books, has each of the four tubbies (in various sizes), takes them to bed, to the pool, and to Preschool for nap time. Loves to talk about how beautiful and lovely and special they are. You get the picture - they're an important part of his universe. 

So, when Edie and Bim were collecting Jude after his first day solo, and Edie spied another Po in another child's locker, she naturally thought Jude would be interested, if not delighted, to see another Po.

Not the case.

It seems Jude thought his Po was the only one in existence. To say he was shattered would be an understatement. Edie managed to calm him down for a little while, but the sobbing started when he got into the car and ready for the way home. And it continued on and on. He'd stop for a while, forget and get on with things, then later pause and reflect - and the sadness would set in again, with its accompanying heartbroken lament there are two Pos Mummy....there are two Pos Daddy...there are two Pos...sob....   

And while the whole thing was quite amusing, I felt so sad for him. A little chink in the protective armour of childhood. A precious little bit of that perfect innocence gone.

But the good news is he hasn't mentioned it for some time, and is now feeling much more positive about other children being allowed to play with Teletubbies. A non-exclusive license isn't such a bad thing after all, it seems.

ha-rumph

Jude is at the age where he is prone to fits of pique. Not actual tantrums per se, but moments of extreme frustration and irritation, almost always caused by an unintentional - and generally well-meaning - slight to his universe. In today's case, it was me slipping a Boo-Bah toy (zing-zing-zing-bah perhaps?) through the roof of his play-tent to join the tea party he was having with his Teletubbies in there. I thought it would be a great surprise. Little did I know. With a face like thunder he stormed out of the tent, threw the offending toy into my wardrobe and tried to shut the door. When that didn't work, he grabbed poor Zing-Zing-Zing-Bah and shoved him under his bed, all the while saying I'm very very annoyed with you [me, that is, not the toy]. And when he was satisfied that the offending article was as far away from his personal horizon as possible he glared at me, spun on his heel, and said I'm not in this family any more. ever. ha-rumph. He strode off, then sat in a corner with his back to me, his head down and hands tucked into his armpits, where he sat grumbling under his breath for a further five mintues.

Fast forward ten minutes and he re-enters the bedroom shouting I'm happy again. Mummy I'm HAPPY agaaaiiiinnnn!!!!

It's going to be an interesting ride.

inside days

It's been raining a lot lately. I love rainy days, and although I've been dreading this public holiday, now that we're into it I'm realising it's actually OK to have a day hanging out at home. Enforced relaxation, I guess.

So, why was I dreading the public holiday? Well, I actually really like the way my Mondays are, and Bim still works whether it's a public holiday or not. But the creche at the gym is closed, and there is no preschool. So it upsets my routine, and I'm a big fan of my routine. But, as always, once I'm shaken out of the routine I realise it's ok on the other side.

The little people are more than happy to trash the house, wear their pyjamas all day, drink milo and eat popcorn. Me, I start to get a little twitchy if I don't get enough exercise, but I went to BodyPump last night, and will go and do a workout or have a swim later in the evening when Bim gets home. So, really, it's ok.

Last week when the sun was shining, I set up an obstacle course for them in the back garden. It has stepping stones, balancing beams, saw-horses for swinging on and climbing under and big logs for stepping up on and jumping down from. They love it. Then later in the week, when the sun came out again, Edie devised a Pump* class for me, centred around the obstacle course. She put out a glass of water, a banana, an apple and a magazine for me (to replenish my energy stores, re-hydrate and relax at the end of my circuit), and a viewing chair in the middle of a hula-hoop for herself. So she sat and watched and instructed as I went through her rigorously charted course of push-ups, squats, lunges and stretches.

Now that it's raining again they have shifted their interest to games they can play on the computer. Jude is particularly excited about the red light under the mouse:

But they both are really enjoying an educational CD Rom I bought for five bucks in K-mart, that teaches numbers, letters, colours and shapes; and offers puzzles and other wholesome family learning action.

But right now, it's ABC Kids all the way. If the rain clears we might brave the obstacle course. There could be some baking, maybe some craft, definitely a nap for Jude, and I'll feel like my life is under control if I make the beds, put the clean washing away, and do the dishes. I could even go a little bit of colouring in. We'll see.

*Definitely not endorsed or approved by Les Mills - I don't think they believe in doing squats while balancing on huge chunks of wood.

checking in

Since it's mid-year (well, almost), I think it's time to check in on the goals I set at the start of the year, to see how I'm tracking.

It's been a challenging year so far, but I knew it was going to be like that. I have pretty much finished up with my work at the Australia Council, after 13 years. As it happens, the organisation wasn't able to accommodate my need to work part-time, and that's fine. The organisation is going through a great deal of change, there are significant budget cuts and redundancies and my situation has always been precarious at best. The thing is, I am not prepared to change the way I work to suit an organisation. The principles I now hold about working part-time and achieving a balance that enables me and my family to remain happy and healthy are more important than hanging onto an ongoing role in an organisation. I had to give this up to stay part-time, and now due to budget cuts contract renewals are just not happening.

My job has served me very well for many years and I have loved it. I have hated it, too, but ultimately I have been passionate about the task at hand, and highly principled about doing my best. Right now, though, there are things that are more important to me, and I know that there's no way I'll look back and wish I'd spent more time at work. I will still work, and perhaps I will even work more hours, but I will make them fit around my family, which is my ultimate commitment. Everything else is secondary. And the only way I can really do my best for my family is to be as happy and healthy as possible. Which means spending plenty of time at the gym, spending plenty of time sourcing and cooking great food, and spending plenty of time having fun and living in the moment with my husband and kids.

So there.

But as far as checking in on the year goes, in January, this is what I said 2008 would hold:

• Finish making the curtains [I have made the curtains for our room and the kids' room, just have to make them for dining and lounge room - so I'm half-way there. Also, although I'm not interested in excuses, I have had to have my sewing machine fixed, which is done].

• Cook better meals for the kids [again, this is happening. The kids are slowly transitioning to more vegetables. Both are pretty good fruit-eaters. I notice I get a much better response to something I've 'made with love', than I do to something I've just re-heated, and we have grilled fish and baked vegetables once a week as a combined take-away (fish) and home-baked (vegies) meal. I'd rate this as about 40% achieved]

• Eat more fruit and vegetables [this is something I've done really well, our fruit bowl is replenished - and emptied - weekly, and I am into the salads in summer and baked vegies and soups in winter. Loving it all, achieved 100%].

• Write a good list [Not done!]

• Blog more regularly [Errr, not done, I give myself 10% achievement for this. Must do better. It's not that hard]

• Balance my exercise regime better [Yes! With the help of my trainer at the gym, and a realisation that I actually enjoy a physical challenge, I have upped my gym hours to a minimum of 7 per week and have added in a combat and a step class. I am loving the combat, it has given me a lot more physical self-confidence. I am doing 2 -3 pump classes a week, 1 - 2 balance, 1 step, 1 combat, 1 cardio session in the gym and 1 swim on average, and although it's sometimes hard, the results are great. I've never felt better. I have dropped 8 years off my metabolic age and 12% off my body fat, so I give myself 100%]

• Take more care with what I eat [yes, I have switched over to mainly whole food, lots of fruit and veg, multigrain bread, soups, pasta, and very little processed food. I am very, very close to my goal weight and it hasn't been too hard. I give myself 70% on this one, as I sometimes still waver, but I think that's life, and what I am really aiming for is an 80/20 balance. So I'm nearly there].

• Relax more [Ummm, no, I don't think I've done a great job on this one, because I feel I need more time to relax. But there's no way I'm going to find more time so I guess I have to find more ways to relax. Having said that, Bim and I have started having a nice slow swim and spa after our pump class on Wednesdays, and it's really lovely to just spend the time taking the time, and not absolutely gunning it to get 80 laps done before creche time is up, like I usually have to. I give myself 20%. Definitely need a strategy to deal with this.]

• Be more organised [No, I don't think I've managed this much at all. I give myself 10% and will try harder in future. Perhaps I need some tools. An address book and some more storage would help.]

• Don't worry so much about work [Some days I've done really well. Other days I've done really badly. Some days I've felt fine but have broken out in hives. Other days I've had to run and run and run just to keep my panicky demons at bay. I take it as it comes. I have been lucky. I finished up at work on a Friday and was offered another job on the Monday, in the field I'm interested in, with the conditions I need, without even asking. Sure, it's not foverver. But I'm not looking for forever. So I am learning not to worry, but unfortunately I am a natural born worrier. I give myself 50%].

• Slow down to the kids' pace more often [Trying. Sometimes I manage. More than before. Sometimes I make a point of just hanging out with them. We have a lot of unstructured time. I've realised they love to free-range, and I sort of dip in and out of whatever they are doing, depending on what I am doing. So, rather than feeling like I have to manufacture activities to fill their time, I am letting them share what I am doing, whether it be gardening, washing, cooking (gee i have such an exciting life), and they become a part of my activity. But I still need to check in with them more, and I need to fight my impatience more. I give myself 60%] .

• Finish unpacking [Nup. 10%. I no longer know what we have to still unpack. Except occasionally I'll think of a book I'd like to read to the kids and I realise I haven't seen it for a while, then remember we still have about 40 boxes of books in the shed. Pah.]

• Sell or give away our excess stuff [Nup, see above. Well, actually we've given away Jude's cot, within hours of him leaving it, which I still have mixed feelings about. 10%].

• Make the most of this year, the last year before Edie hits the school system.[Still trying. Unfortunately work has overshadowed this to a great degree, but I am planning a 3 week odyssey to South Australia which will be a catalyst for this. I would like to spend more one-on-one time with her and am still working out the best times and ways to do this. I give myself 20%].

Well, that was an interesting exercise. On the whole we're doing pretty well. It has been a challenging year and we are making our way through. We love each other and our kids and we still have all those amazing feelings that parenthood brings. We sneak in and admire them sleeping at night, we snuggle and cuddle with them as much as we can, because every moment is precious. We've managed to go out together once in the past year, to a wedding. We could do better on that count. We will try.

Because every moment is precious.

back again

Although I haven't got much to say, I'm thinking: If I don't say anything, I'll never say anything; and so I need to post whatever comes out.

The last post was interrupted, I was going to write about the kids' birthday party, over a month ago now, and about them growing older. They just grow lovelier, and I *still* need to slow myself down enough to appreciate them more. I remember at the start of the year posting my goals and one of them was specifically about slowing down to the kids' pace. Well, I'm trying. But I have to keep reminding myself of this.

The party was great fun. I'm not a big fan of party games. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I don't really *do* games. When it comes to cards, you can count me out. I don't play team sports [not since I got hit in the head by a basketball, anyway]. Basically, I'm not a joiner. So when it comes to planning parties I leave the games aside. But I do like to spend a lot of time making sure the cakes and treats are good, and trying my best to ensure the atmosphere is right. So we had a face painter (not a professional, a 12 year old friend of a friend), and a bubble machine, and a craft table. Beyond that, it was all fairy bread, spinach pie, and cakes. Actually, Bim did a stellar job of balloon animals too.

We had a great day, Mum and I spent plenty of quality time in the kitchen, and doing party preparation. I needed to balance out the work I'd done earlier in the week, which saw me writing strategies [work - not party] until 3am. A fruitless exercise, but at the time it felt necessary. At least in the kitchen you can see your results, your successes and failures, immediately. You can share them and they make other people feel good. I know I've said it before but I love the alchemy of baking. I love spending time in the kitchen. And I especially loved having the opportunity to spend time in my new (old) kitchen with my Mum, making lovely things for my children's birthday:

Any excuse to wear an apron, really.

So, the party rocked, all two hours of it. Afterward, we had a lunch for family, and we kept the bubble machine going and got the kids' birthday yoga mats out and did lots of yoga in the garden, moving ourselves around to catch the sun as the shadows grew longer. The tent we set up for kids to retreat into under the clothesline became the perfect escape for worn out grown-ups, and we all ate far too much.

I regretted my 'anything goes' attitude to eating party food later when I woke up in the wee small hours in a cold nauseous sugar and preservative induced sweat. But on the whole it was a great day.

 

three and five

cabin fever

Sick kids. Bleugh. Horrible on so many levels. Firstly, nobody wants their children to feel unwell, and when they're *really* sick, the worry and fear is overwhelming. I particularly hate the part where they run high temperatures and are just not quite themselves. Edie was like this for a while on Wednesday night, along with vomiting, coughing, and persistent bed-wetting (though I think that was just thrown in for good measure). Now Jude is sick too, with a cough and general grumpiness. Both are getting better, but still the sickness lingers, keeping us from our usual routines. We're half-way back to normal, their symptoms have dwindled to just plain annoying, rather than particularly troubling. The broken sleep and wasted meals are starting to grate, and we can't get out as much as I'd like to. But that's just me, cranky at having to miss my swim, guilty at having Edie home from Munchkins and not doing anything more special than hunting bugs and lizards, sitting in the sun and watching old Patsy Biscoe videos. Then I feel guilty about being cranky and the cycle begins again.

Crayons are always a good circuit-breaker.

We've been pretty busy, though. There was a wedding in Mosman, and the kids were looked after by Uncle Davey and Uncle Bradley. They had a blast. So did we. It was very exciting to go out and have adult conversation for a whole evening, to take in the beautiful views from the pointy end of the north shore, to dress up, to drink lovely wine and eat beautiful food. To be part of an event.

Speaking of events, we had a double-header recently with the Hawkesbury Show and Foundation Day back-to-back. We love both of these, for their lack of pretension, lack of hassle and hype, and abundance of fun. Dual highlights of Foundation Day for me this year were the parade (I always love a parade - bagpipes! kids! giant mascots! kids! dancing kids! cars! dogs! kids! bagpipes!), and the devonshire tea in the church hall. This is no ordinary devonshire tea. No, ordinary devonshire tea is the sort of muck they serve up at coffee chains, like Gloria Jeans, where you get a tea bag in a paper cup, a rock-hard scone on a plastic plate, microwaved if you're lucky, with a plastic packet of gummy jam and some flavourless sprayed-out, propelled by god-knows-what, cream from a can. Appalling. No, in the church hall on Foundation Day you get huge, fluffy scones, made by a proud, stout lady in an apron; home-made jam from a jar (apricot, mulberry, strawberry), and the cream...whipped by hand. Not even an electric beater in sight. The sound of hand beaters and the buzz of local news fills the hall. The tea is loose leaf, in pots, naturally. The milk in a small jug. Cups don't match, but all have saucers. All on a tray. Real teaspoons in jars on the tables. Which have tablecloths. Perfect. A winning formula. If the ladies from the church ran a regular devonshire tea in the hall I'd be in trouble with a scone habit, but they'd certainly be in business. At $4.50 a serve it was well worth it though.

We followed this up with a trip to Windsor for the Hawkesbury Show. We don't bother with the Royal Easter Show. Too hard, too expensive. Too much of everything. The Hawkesbury Show has it all, as far as I'm concerned. All a show needs is a good selection of cake competitions, handicrafts, a flower show, kids craft displays of vegetables shaped like people, enormous pumpkins, pony rides, sideshow alleys filled with noisy rides and scary carnies, rip-off showbags, a petting zoo and loads of animals.

The teacup ride was wildly anticipated this year. It lived up to its promise and we had it all to ourselves. We're pretty tame when it comes to rides. Not a big fan of those sorts of thrills. I'm much more a fan of the prize-winning dahlias:

The kids loved it all, especially having the opportunity to pat the snakes in the reptile enclosure. We bought them a showbag each. For the past two years running I've flukily managed to make a profit on the showbags by being given extra change. No such luck this year. Edie chose a generic 'totally girl' showbag, which was filled with all sorts of plastic pap, including an oversized zipper that I think was supposed to hang from a mobile phone. She soon discarded the doll, the stickers, the tattoos, the lip gloss, and carried around her 'cable' for days, until the morning she wanted to take it along for show-and-tell, and then of course we couldn't find it, prompting a total melt-down. It's still missing. Jude was satisfied with a $2 Bertie Beetle showbag. Chocolate beetles = happy boy.

We are now gearing up for their 3rd and 5th birthdays, and a joint party this weekend. Mum arrives tomorrow for general company and support with the proceedings. She's also part of the Winmalee Autumn Artfest. This time of year is always imprinted in my mind as baby-time, having had both children within three days of each other in early May. It's a time to remember and savour each day. Bim has just had a birthday and I am considering a career change, looking at finishing up at my organisation after thirteen years.

I am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to build and maintain my confidence every day at a time when change is everywhere. Can I move from the arts industry to the health industry? Am I too old? Can I handle the physical demands? Can I commit to the study? Shall I jump and ask questions later? We'll see...

dinosaurs, curtains & sinéad o'connor

Okay, so I'm procrastinating. I'm getting close to a deadline for a big project and therefore I naturally find numerous other things to do before I can get on with it. So here goes.

We don't get out as much as we'd like to. There are many reasons, but often it just comes down to time and logistics. With Bim working night shift a couple of nights a week, as well as Sundays, we don't have much opportunity to go places that require a full day out. Our Saturdays are sort of precious, and we use them to do things low-key, close to home, as a family, to capitalise on that weekend-feeling a lazy Saturday brings. So when we found we'd blocked out a full day and night earlier this week, so that we could go to the Sinead O'Connor concert, a world of possibilities opened up.

We made the trip into the city in the morning and first stopped by my office. It's a tall beige building in Surry Hills. Lots of windows. No soul to speak of. A travesty, really, given the mandate of the organisation within. Since we moved there, I've felt the creative heart of the place slowly atrophy. Anyway, our visit coicided with the Easter Bake-Off, so we arrived to see covetable cakes being auctioned off in a flurry of activity. The kids charmed their way around the building, and when we'd had enough we headed up to Crown Street for a spot of vintage shopping. We'd hoped to find a suit for Bim to wear to a wedding in April, but we didn't have any luck.

Next stop...

We fluked another park on the street and ate our lunch in the museum cafe before heading on in to see the dinosaurs. It was all going so well, Edie was really excited, declaring one of the dinosaurs to be her most favourite dinosaur ever, when ROOOAAARRRRRR!!!! The sound-effects kicked in. The life-sized animation of a dinosaur stampede delivered on its promise to instil fear and panic. Yup, get me out of here, I want to leave NOW. I have to get out of here now. Please, now....we could hear the panic in her voice, saw the fear written all over her little face. But with a bit of ear-covering, a bit of cuddling, and a lot of coaxing (c'mon, we didn't drive all the way into the city for nothing), we all appreciated the wonders of the exhibition.

We drove back to Uncle Davey's, settled the kids in with Corrine and Persia, our trusty baby-sitters, frocked up, and headed right back in, to the State Theatre, in the heart of the city. Being a Virgo, I like to have things ordered and organised wherever I can, so I had my trusty folder, carefully labelled, and filled with maps and parking instructions, venue information and tickets. It all went smoothly. I like to put that down to my folder, but it probably would have gone smoothly anyway. Parking in the city was easy. The State Theatre is nothing short of spectacular, and Sinéad?

Sublime. So good I even bought a t-shirt. From the thrilling opening number, The Emperor's New Clothes, to the encore highlight, Black Boys on Mopeds, she totally rocked.  Really delivered. Unassuming in blue jeans and a white shirt. Bare feet. Bald head. The set included I am Stretched on Your Grave, Never Get Old, Three Babies, Fire on Babylon, Nothing Compares 2 U, The Last Day of Our Acquaintance and Mandinka. I saw her at the Albert Hall in London in 1990, and she was great, and I was excited about it, but this was more of an *experience*.

I felt so inspired that the next day, after driving back home, that instead of going to the gym, I finally made the sheer curtains I've been meaning to do for months, for the kids' room. Actually I was feeling pretty tired, and I have a bit of a chest infection so I'm avoiding the gym for a few days, but I *did* feel re-energised after my 24 hours in the city. And definitely inspired.

There's nothing like pink glittery stars to really get the creative fires burning...

A world away from passionate Irish punk / folk / funk but this universe is still pretty good.

piss-weak productions presents...

...this blog.

Self-flagellation aside, things have been very busy. I've started to adapt to the idea that busy is the new idle and I should just get over it, accept it, and get more organised. Actually, haven't I been promising myself I'd get more organised for some time? Perhaps I should learn to listen better.

February flew by, with March hot on its heels. The Easter Bunny is on his way, and I haven't even recovered from the full-fat extravaganza that was Christmas. It's time to take stock.

Right now I am working at a second job, a volunteer job, and a (hopefully) hard-ass gym regime. Edie and Jude are four and two, rapidly approaching five and three, with a birthday party to be planned. This should be fun. Correction. This *will* be fun. We are hiring a face painter. Nothing fancy, mind you. A pre-teen daughter of friends of friends. We'll borrow the same bubble machine we used when they turned three and one, we'll mow the lawn and trim the edges, bake a cake and some pretty treats, send some invites, take a step back, and let the fun begin. And continue. For the two hours clearly stipulated on the invitation. Otherwise the combined effects of too much sugar and too many kids may prove devastating. We've all seen how good kids parties can turn bad. It's when they go for thirty minutes too long, and it all falls to pieces. Before we know it the kids have turned to violence and tears and the adults have turned to gin and tonic.

So there's party planning to be done.

I'd love to get away to Melbourne for a weekend in April if it's in any way possible. Sam turned 40 in January and I've promised I'll celebrate in person. I just need to meet a big deadline before I can even think about it. The whole family had hoped for a trip to South Australia and Victoria in April too, but it's just not looking possible. The things we thought we'd be able to manage, just with a bit of planning, are falling by the wayside already. Perhaps that's because we *didn't* plan them. Or *haven't* planned them. Anyway, that trip isn't completely off the agenda, but the deadline issue is currently obscuring it.

In the meantime, the kids are eating their way through a huge box of Riverland oranges, hand-delivered by Grandma and Grandpa:

It's not quite as good as being there, but it helps.

I'm pleased to report that on the eating front, things are looking up. The other night Edie ate a mung bean, a piece of lettuce and some carrot. Jude is into the mung beans and lettuce too, and he's always been a carrot eater. So all those months of presenting salad on their plates *could* be paying off. They love grilled fish and salad, and I'm loving the easiness of this sort of meal. It makes life so much easier.

We had a house meeting a few nights ago and gave the kids the opportunity to suggest some new meals they'd like to try. Edie is keen for me to start cooking spaghetti bolognese. I've tried to cook it before, but since I don't eat red meat I'm not sure I'm getting the balance of ingredients right. I'll keep trying. The meeting was a huge success and we'll repeat it every so often. We had a set agenda, covering bed-time, meals, outings, and any other business. Edie used the any other business segment to tell us how much she likes Jude. It was a very productive meeting.

We *did* manage to get away to the beach for a couple of nights at the start of February. Although it rained for part of it, and the park's wireless got wiped out in a huge storm, we still managed a magical time. We really must do it again...

Jude, Bim, Ruby and Edie Toowoon Bay in the rain Feb 2008

 

best dental patient ever

The kids have had their first dental appointment. They did so well. For months I've been freaking out about their teeth, worried that I wasn't cleaning them well enough, that they'd end up with decay and rotten teeth and it would be all my fault. So I made an appointment for the dentist. I rang in November and they could fit us in in February. It seemed like forever but the date was soon upon us. All revved up, excited in fact, they climbed the many steps to Dr Roza's clinic.

Edie went first, dutifully obeying all instructions, in the way little kids do when they're desperate to impress. Her teeth were checked, counted, cleaned and declared absolutely fine. By the end of Edie's turn Jude decided he wanted nothing to do with the whole experience. We were ushered out of the office and back to the waiting room while Jude's room was prepared. Edie was presented with a lurid pink Tweety Bird sticker saying 'I'm a great patient' (or words to that effect), and that was enough. Jude was now chomping at the bit to get into that chair and earn himself a sticker too. He ran to the consulting room, and, just like his sister before him, obediently opened wide, donned the dark sunnies, and lay back to let the dentist do her stuff. He was wonderful, and Dr Roza declared him her best two-year old patient ever.

It was a proud moment. The stickers now haphazardly adorn our car windows. Not so proud of that, but it's a reminder of how good they *can* be. Especially when there's a hot pink Loony Tunes sticker at stake.

fun with gloop, Jan 08.

first day

Jude had his first day of preschool last week. Two nights before we presented him with his new backpack. Naturally, he wore it to eat his dinner.

It stayed in place all evening, and at one stage he was so excited he didn't know what to do, so he covered his face with his hands, jumped up and down for a while, then came over to me and kissed me on the hand. It was such a beautiful, unselfconscious reaction. He didn't stop moving, not even to clean his teeth, and the backpack was eventually surgically removed for sleeping.

Edie didn't mind Jude having a new backpack. She made do with the same Hairy Maclary backpack that has now seen her through the past two years. And my how she's grown...here she is on her first day last week...

Last year....

And on her first day ever....

And here they both are on Jude's first day...

Jude cried when I dropped them off on Wednesday. I knew he would, despite being very familiar with the place, and being *so* excited about going. I knew the reality would set in just as I was walking out the door. And it did. I felt terrible, so I rang later on, and sure enough he was having a fantastic time. When I picked them up I had to drag him away from the games and puzzles. Edie is now going to preschool three days per week, up from two last year. I wouldn't mind it being less, but the reality of school will set in next year and I want her to be prepared for the five days per week involved in that.

When I got home from work on Thursday night she was packing her ponies and her favourite sequinned dress-up frock into a tiny case. She was leaving home, moving in with Uncle Davey, because we send her to preschool too often.

Talk about parental guilt.

the family outing

Last week we took the kids into the city for the first time ever. They've been wanting to go to the museum for months, especially Edie, who has a real interest in science and nature. The afternoon beforehand, following an extended period of water play on the front porch, both kids picked out clothes they wanted to wear for the excursion. The evening beforehand, Edie and I pored over the Australian Museum website. Edie then gave Jude a thorough briefing on what to expect, and once both kids were in bed I wrote lists in readiness. In the morning Bim was first up and by the time I was up he'd packed the bags according to my lists. Brilliant!

All set.

We managed to fluke a park right out the front, and headed straight in. The kids by now were so excited, it was infectious. And it was all so easy. There was an exhibition of huge-scale portraits of gorilla faces, which transfixed us all. Jude, in particluar, loved this one, he went back to it three times. The primate portraits show 30 orphans, and each photo is labelled with the animal's name, age and story. The stories are quite affecting, as any orphan stories are, I suppose, only these are stories are about the brutality of humans, and the impact things like the live meat trade have had on these lovely creatures.

On we went to the skeletons, where a very friendly Indian lady took a moment to stroke both kids' blonde curls and pinch and kiss Jude's cheeks. I thought for a moment she was going to take them home with her. A museum guide held a shell to their ears and explained about the sound of the sea inside, before moving onto a frightening spider display. We meandered through the mineral and rock exhibitions - both kids love rocks of all kinds and they were fascinated by this. Then we hit the mother lode - the insect collection. They adored this, and Jude just wanted to bolt up and down the rows of light cabinets filled with butterflies, spiders, cicadas, cockraches, bees and other creepy crawlies, while Edie took longer to ponder and question.

Two hours later it was time for lunch, so we headed to the museum cafe and the kids ate their way through their lunchbox, finishing off with a shared icecream...

We spent another hour discovering all sorts of things, before venturing to the museum shop, Edie clutching her Dora the Explorer purse and deliberating between the dinosaur puppets and the magic growing lizards. In the end the lizards won out. They start out small, about four centimetres long, and you put them in water for a couple of days and they triple their size. Let them dry out and they shrink again. Jude threw his over the front veranda as soon as they grew big. He didn't want much to do with the big lizards.

We left the museum and took a walk through Hyde Park, before heading for home. We didn't even really look at the parts of the museum that are set up especially for kids. We'll save that for next time. We were home before 4, Jude had a decent nap, and we all had a great day out. I'm almost too scared to do it again because it went so well!

time

There's never enough of it.

Auntie Rosie died today. Yes, she was old, but it was really sudden. She took a bad turn and her heart just stopped. I suppose she ran out of time. In hearing the news, I missed a TV show I was looking forward to. No time for that either. Now I have only 34 minutes of battery time left on my laptop so it looks like my blogging time will run out soon. I also have to write some birthday thoughts down for Sam's 40th on the 12th, and I must get them in the post tomorrow, or I'll run out of time for them to reach him. I haven't been sleeping well this week, so if I don't get to bed soon I'll regret it. But I need more time to do the things I need to do. Where do I get it?

Sometimes I have to buy time if I want to do anything just for me. That includes things like going to the gym. I pay for the class, I pay for the creche and I pay a bit of guilt as well. It would be perfect if I could just pay a pound of flesh and be done with it.

Actually I'd be happy to pay with ten kilos of flesh because that's what I've added to my frame in the past six months. Admittedly, it's been a period of great upheaval; buying a house, moving, my work totally sucking the bag. But I'm not interested in the excuses. I'm back on the wagon, especially as far as bread and cheese is concerned, and I'm reacquanting myself with my 'off switch', which comes in handy when I walk past the jar of almonds and take just a few more...then a few more. Then, oh well, I've been exercising a lot lately, so I think I need a few more....well, no more!

But on the time thing, I just seem to need to constantly schedule and program myself in order to achieve the most mundane outcomes. For instance, tomorrow, I've made an appointment with myself to make an appointment for a haircut. I haven't had a haircut since last September but I can't seem to find the time to even pick up the phone and call the hairdresser unless I make a specific point of scheduling it in. It's ridiculous. It's not even that I'm completely crazily busy, I just seem to have some sort of paralysis when it comes to using up my time. Silly. I find it hard to even commit to watching a movie on dvd at home because it takes a whole 3 hours, during which I could be doing four or five other things at once.

I should learn from the kids. This year is supposed to be about slowing down to their pace, and to do so I need to lose this silly fear I have about using up blocks of time, because it takes time to do the things they want to do.

This afternoon we were hanging out at home, when Edie decided to dress up as a fairy. In full fairy regalia - dress, wings, wand, gold slippers; hair festooned with a januty ribbon in lieu of lost tiara - she danced around the house, until I realised it might be fun for her to have an adventure outside in her fairy getup. So we grabbed Jude and the dog and set off to the park. It was only a 45 minute outing but it was magical. Edie adored every minute, commenting along the way about how we were in fairyland. We all took turns spotting interesting things along the footpath, picking flowers, blowing dandelions, making wishes and daydreaming. When we got to the park it was already past 5.00pm and I had their dinner on my mind but I put it to one side and the three of us (and Ruby) ran up and down the hills pretending to fly. The prize for the whoever made it to the bottom first was that they were allowed to do yoga, but we all ended up striking a dog, cat and cobra pose because it's just good fun.

This evening when I put her to bed, she whispered I love you more than the whole world.